I Am Free

Being free is such a great feel..no bondages, no slavery having freedom to do all that you want to do, all that you want to be, the way you want to grow, the way you want to lead your life. Sounds awesome, isn't it?

We were brought up in the family environment that imbibed in us the zest to enjoy and feel free, a phenomenon rare in normal parlance upbringing of girls in the 1960s. Outdoor activities, sports, participation in debates and symposia provided enabling environment, gave wings to enjoy the feeling the freedom. Getting into teaching after the PG furthered it with financial freedom.

I have always been considered a free bird, fortunate not to have bonded myself in shaadi ka bandhan, having prestigious job assignment , earning handsome pay package and with no responsibility of children or family, can go anywhere I like without having to ask for permission, do whatever I like to do with my freedom!! And also that I am born with penchant for 'free will' and make choices I have loved to make without owing answerability to a n y o n e in the world.

All this is really really true, I confess. I am blessed to feel free, enjoy my independent life and also asserted a lot of free will. At work place I have wanted to do things my kind of way and also succeeded in doing so most of the time under mentorship of benevolent bosses. At home front, have enjoyed all the freedom as a member of the family that has not really interfered in any of my decisions related to my personal life. They have let me be and enjoy life the way I want without any binding whatsoever from their side.

So I have ventured to lead life in pursuit of happiness with full sense of freedom. Aah...it has been such a fine journey full of joy, satisfaction, blessedness ...pure kripa , the gracious grace of Almighty to have given me such fantastic opportunity as His chosen child.

At very personal level there has always been a lurking fear. Its like a journey of a proverbial little girl afraid who often dreamt of drowning and would lay awake watching stars fearing repetition of such dreams till sleep overtook. As an adolescent the fear of rejection was so prominent that blocked my expression and made me hyper susceptible to any painful impression. I learnt swimming, did Scooba diving to prove to myself I was not afraid of water. In the waning years, I am wondering whether the freedom I enjoy is not eclipsed so often by the fear factor. It is. I have not got this- the freedom from fear.

Freedom is precious, comes with a price. Perhaps fear is that price in my case. I am afraid of rejection, of hurting someone, of causing a pain. My fears of hurts and bruises on the psyche have always proven true. The way we grow up, our feelings get nurtured, evolve impact the behavioral actions and patterns. Root cause of fear is only one- attachment. May be its the losing of my freedom that I am afraid of. The tools of jap, paath, healing alternatives provide me with ways and means to protect but have not evaporated the fear.

In this journey called life I am a seeker of freedom from fear. And the search is on.